1. classes i feel overwhelmed and completely lost in
2. found out i can’t graduate this year until a full year later (6th years =[ )
3. gay marriage has really challened who i identify i as and questioned my steps to making a difference in this world
4. scared my ading’s not relating to me and we might not have a close bond
5. feel like i lost my best friend
6. fires ruined my weekend with my friend from delano
7. i been drinkin too much where i feel it’s just for my problems then to have fun
8. i made out with 2 fugly guys when drunk which i regret, thankfully jed help me for one 
9. family been hurtin me b/c they’re so proud they keep asking about getting a gf (coming out?)
10. car is almost out on lease what will i do
11. too much else just hit me up if you want to know lol

One scary thing to note though, friday morning my roomate saw me wake up, get out of bed, and stand up. I said “I’m sooo stressed” grabbed my head and went back to bed. In all honestly, i don’t remember that at all. half asleep maybe or wtv. but it’s scary to know that i can’t mask it even in my dreams. A lot of people have asked me how i’m really doing. I don’t think i can mask a smile anymore. things need to change soon=\

Work:

I really want to quit this job. My roommate once told me these are the jobs that suck you in and keep you there…10 years later you realize it’s not what you want to do with your life. Sure it’s easy; I take naps. catch up on ilikejoaqin, blog and sometimes do my hw there when i’m avoiding work work. Truth is i figured out after getting paid 9.50/hr you are overqualified for a job like this. One of my coworkers told me once she found out how much i got paid that I shouldn’t worry too much about getting it done super fast that’s just not how it works here. Come to think of it, she was right. The tasks I finish in like 10 min are expected to be finished in a day. So why am I here? Money. It’s a job where i don’t have to over think and I have some time to have alex time. Why don’t i like it? shoot it takes away from real alex time without distraction from duties, hours i could have time doing homework without loss of interaction, friends, meeting with my students, KapaTao Events/coordinations, gym, roommate time, salsa dancing (don’t make fun i really feel like taking a dance class haha)…then you ask “alex! wtf why don’t u just quit and get another job”…quit hassling  me lol. I want to pick the right moment.

1. A lot of people say i shouldn’t quit until I have a good job set behind me so i don’t lose money
2. Because soo much is going on at work with the new expansion building right now, everyone is soo stressed out tight now. Quick blurb: My boss snapped the other day when i was helping her with some key stuff. She CURSED! said the F-WORD sooo many times i was scared (trying to reach for the door but still 5 ft  away…nodding head awkwardly)…then later on that day she was crying…i gave a her a big hug and told her everything would be ok…she had to leave work early because she had a doctors appointment i really hope she’s ok at least health wise

So i think this is definitely screwing up my study time and my social sides. I kinda hate it but i’m always scared of hurting other people’s feelings. Sometimes u have to do what’s best for you.

Friends:

I’ve really been becoming introverted again. I’m hating it…last night I avoided going to my friends’ b-day thing even though a million people were asking me for rides.I told them i was going to LA…which i was planning to…then on my way there i called my mom and pop asking them how they felt about me just staying till saturday night. They were kinda iffy although my dad did sound like he wants to see me…but i finally decided just to wait another weekend for my moms bday and have fun with that a longer period of time. And so i headed back. I wanted to just chill and chill with someone but that didn’t end up happening. My roomates came back from dinner with a million other friends. It was insane loudness everywhere a million people talking about a million things. It was overwhelming. I just sipped my arizona ice tea. It was one of those ur still alone in a crowded room type of feelings. After enough of them were drunk they all headed to doyle park i followed but then slowly lead myself back to the apartment. I wonder if anyone noticed. Anywho lately i’ve had a million things on my mind and idk if it’s just that i have a lot of things to do or i need someone to vent to with some feedback but i don’t know what i should do.I just feel like i’m getting back into my shell which is the last thing i want to do. AHHHH!!!

my friends from back home i haven’t heard from them in very long. I wish i had time to catch up with their lives. I wonder what crazy drama is happening there lol

my friend kev….sigh.

Family:

I’ve been neglecting my family in such a long time. I think my mom and that think i’ve been avoiding them. I’ve tried calling but my schedule is just sooo busy. I haven’t been home in over a month. what am i suppose to do about it? aie i feel like such a bad kid. I do miss them and love them very much. I just feel that one of the reasons i back away is because of my orientation. Maybe it would help if i came out…maybe it would make things worse. but the way school is doing i wouldn’t want them to use it as an excuse. My brothers don’t mind if i don’t come home. they know the college experience. they know i’m having fun. and they know how hard it is for me academically. they offer to help and console me but idk what the heck to do. i just want to start life over and do everything right. But yeah i’m hoping to see them next weekend to spend time with them for my mom’s bday. I love and miss them very much.

Academics:

Once again i’m in the whole again. fuck. I was registering for classes and i find out i need a prerequisite to sign up for a class. NOOO that means i need to take another year. I HATE THIS SCHOOL! i don’t know what to do i really want to just graduate and get it over with. If i can’t take this class i can’t finish all my courses until june 2010! fuck! i’m already a fifth year everyone from home expects me to graduate now. I know ill seem like the stupid idiot that can’t graduate and get a degree. I’m sooo close yet fuck i can’t get my life together. My classes right now…i’m completely lost in! i don’t know where to start and where to begin. where did it go wrong? i look at my homework my exams i don’t know where to go from there. I just want to leave school and ahh. i need to drink lol but i won’t because i know that won’t solve my problems at all..it won’t give me that spark of inspiration it won’t make me any smarter. shit. idk where i am going with life. i need some help =[

Relationships:

I really wish i had someone there i could share my struggles with. maybe someone that could share their expertise with. Someone that could hold me and tell me things were going to be ok. Someone that wants intimacy passion and commitment. I feel so alone in this world of a million smiles.

Fuck my life

Looking at it as a whole, America is not quite ready to accept Gay marriage…but heck we’re dangerously close to it haha. Looking at the final piercing we look at Arizona, Arkansas, California, Florida when putting Gay related issues on the ballot. All of them passed in a ban. But looking closer at the percentages we see 56%, 57%, 52%, and 62% respectively there is a margin that is quite close to tying quite close to surpassing the votes. Our society is changing…this will be on the ballot again. We will be pursuing what American’s believe are equal rights under the law on this land of opportunity. The younger generation in coming to be part of this nation of democratic voters. Look at the numbers even within the races these young adults between 18-29 voted no on Prop 8: Whites, Latinos, Asians. The numbers are increasing it is inevitable that views and opinions will change over time.

The mayor of san diego a full on conservative republican who had previously apposed gay marriage did a 360 after his daughter came out to him to be lesbian. Connections are what we’re missing here. Love is a strong piece of what we as humans know. We won’t completely understand until it hits close to home. We love people to the extent where we’re willing to change our own views just to show how much we care. Often religion is what drives a lot of family values. Often religion is seen as a guide to living life well, a guide to show us what we need to get out of life. Someone at the QPC conference defined his credo as “What I Need I Already Have”. A father…a mother…a sibling…defines their religion within the family and the ones they love. A father’s religion can change on what he loves and takes care of. So don’t let the connections dissipate because of people’s current views. Instead, strengthen your relationship, strengthen your love with those around you. Allow them to realize how much you mean to them and in turn how much you know they love you.  Only with this faction can people better understand what this movement means to you.

 What is it?

It adds to the state constitution that ”Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California.” 

California has already voted no on same sex marriage.

- It’s true…in 2000 Proposition 22 voted 61% saying that marriage between a man and a woman is state law.

- Time’s change…you are not the same person you were 2 days ago. People grow from experience…a new society emerges every year. Our society comes from new ideas brought in by variant people of variant ages…the people who were 10 years old back then have grown up in a different world developed differently with new thoughts and questions on how life should be lead…they are our new 18year old voters. Let’s look at the facts 61% is still a very close margin it’s not a relatively unanimous vote. We’re expected to have a large group of young voters this year. Don’t let it be said that b/c something has been decided in the past it has to remain injust.

Past law wrongfully overturned legalized sex marriage

-Prop 8 Pros state that the radical judges change what the people wanted and we have to fix it

-Prop 8 is not about courts and judges, it’s about eliminating a fundamental right. Judges didn’t grant the right, the constitution guarantees the right. Proponents of Prop 8 use an outdated and stale argument that judges aren’t supposed to protect rights and freedoms. This campaign is about whether Californians, right now, in 2008 are willing to amend the constitution for the sole purpose of eliminating a fundamental right for one group of citizens. 

-public schools are already required to teach the role of marriage in society as part of the curriculum, schools will now be required to teach students that gay marriage is the same as traditional marriage, starting with kindergarteners

-Not one word in Prop 8 mentions education, and no child can be forced, against the will of their parents, to be taught anything about health and family issues at school.California law prohibits it.Unlike Massachusetts, California gives parents an absolute right to remove their kids and opt-out of teaching on health and family instruction they don’t agree with. The opponents know that California law already covers this and Prop 8 won’t affect it, so they bring up an irrelevant case in Massachusetts. 

-By saying that a marriage is between “any two persons” rather than between a man and a woman, the Court decision has opened the door to any kind of “marriage.” 

-The proposition at hand is not place to close up marriages with anything imaginable…it is discriminating. It is closing off the doors and would discriminate against lesbian and gay people irregardless of it being a minority or not. California’s laws already prohibit discrimination against anyone based on race, religion, gender, or sexual orientation. 

Churches could lose their tax-exemption status.

Fact: Nothing in Prop 8 would force churches to do anything. In fact, the court decision regarding marriage specifically says “no religion will be required to change its religious policies or practices with regard to same-sex couples, and no religious officiant will be required to solemnize a marriage in contravention of his or her religious beliefs.

On the real, I think proposition 8 should not pass. Looking at it as a discriminatory act…yes it’s clearly discriminating against people who don’t identify themselves as straight. So what if people learn what they already know…that there are people of the same sex that like each other…you’re not teaching anything new in society…the terms gay, lesbian, transexual, bisexual have been around for quite a long time. So what if at one point california voters barely passed the bill stating that marriage should be between a man and a woman…people change ignorance doesn’t have to overflow in our society. The margin is relatively small…you can’t teach an old dog new tricks but who says you can’t regurgitate what we’ve already gone through…the holocaust? slavery? woman’s rights? we’ve gone through a million rights reformations. Our country is based on a foundation of freedom…giving the rights to the people regardless of who they are. lets do this through some non-violent diplomacy. Let’s step back on our religious values for a second…i mean whether u believe…ur atheist…agnostic or wtv looking at it from an American perspective that teaches us about equality why wouldn’t you want to keep things fair. So it might go against your beliefs within your religion…so what? the fact is there are gay people out there why must they be secluded why must they be condemned to live a life of insecurty. It’s not like we’re changing religion…we’re not telling the pope to change is view on gay marriage…we’re giving rights to those who love each other to benefit as a result of it…simple things like being able to visit your love one at the hospital…death who has the rights to gain what is theirs…etc etc  it’s about giving the rights a man and woman would be entitled to if they were married under the state law. please consider voting NO on Prop 8

I’m back at the coffee shop!

For my readers who may not know…i’m a peer counselor! This is my second year doing this…coming in this year there were 100% new faces…zero old members…i was discouraged at first on why the old people didn’t want to do this again….and with all the million conversations i’ve had with them, none have discouraged me to follow this once again. 

For me…it’s one of those things in life when i finally grow i can look back and say I really enjoyed. Something about sharing someone’s life…that they trust you with those million thoughts going through their head. I feel i can be a better friend now because of it…i mean to be a peer counselor it involves a lot of simple things that you don’t always take into account…or things you don’t always consider or remember to talk about 24/7. Peer counseling does require some experience i suppose to get better. *Unofficially* I read through the book a million times tagging that book like no other and noting all the DOs and DONTs…in the end it turned out to be a completely different manual for me haha. Thruthfully it’s a great manual the people that put it together but a lot of stuff is other outdated or questionable(example: when you refer to your student’s relationship address their loved one as “partner”.really? i’m not labeling my students as straight or gay…there’s a million otherways of approaching it without placing a label…”tell me about who you’re with…what do you look for in a relationship…etc etc”…wheather they choose to tell me about their orientation is another thing…i really just want to get to know their life) …when it comes down to it…

you can’t define yourself until you know yourself…explore ur life explore ur options. be open minded

music.song writer.acoustic.thoughtful.piano.piercing.lip.eyebrow.ear.

experience.optimistic.smile.laugh.chill with appearance.slim.chubby. 

asian.hispanic.filipino.black.colorful.dancer.jokes.sarcastic.argumentative.

no diet.food.sweets.chocolate. fatty.healthy.works out.lifts.runs.volleyball.

beach.swimmer.style.reads.friendly.drinks.games.cooks.shops.explore.innocent.

genuine.awkward.learned.goals.dorkie.challenging.random.cute.opinionated.romantic.

where are my definitions?

napkin note

rather than writing it out here just read the pic. i was at the cliffs a few days ago and there was something killing me so i hit up my friend with this note. sometimes u just gotta get real with yourself.